haiku 281: life goals

fat girl at the gym

high-school bro at the gay bar

change for the better

haiku 280: so so so salty

eating with your eyes

leads to great flavour let-downs

case in point: play doh

haiku 279: gums on fire

medieval torture

the dentist flossing my teeth

all i taste is blood

haiku 278: it's not about gifts

fire place channel

24 hour walmart time

christmas is coming

haiku 277: history repeats

peaceful youth protests
black bloc looting carnival
two peas in a pod

haiku 276: you are not the joker

'why so serious?'

movies quotes don't get you laid
and i'm serious

haiku 275: your sale sucks

hot crossed buns for sale

one a penny then it's two?

hyperinflation

haiku 274: tom cruise

scientology

alien and god's love child

expensive childhood

haiku 273: organic grocery store

cannibal vegans,

vegan zombies and myself

eat vegan as food

haiku 272: boxxxxxy

internet famous

cute cat captions and tubgirl

modern day values

haiku 271: how i got shot

laughing at black jokes

if there's a time and a place,

it's not in the hood

haiku 270: please shave !

it's called "mo"venber

so now there's just no excuse

naive mustache girls

haiku 269: 5 EZ payments yo'

the two-man "snuggie"

also known as the "huggie"

CAN BE YOURS! CALL NOW

haiku 268: american apparel

"destroy your fix gear!"

"the end of thick rimmed glasses!"

the great hipster purge

haiku 267: milk and condoms

a parallel world
santa claus is santa pimp
sperm for all good girls

haiku 266: 90 pounds

anorexic porn

fake low-fat sperm substitute

bony boner vice

haiku 265: snow angels

making a snowman

thawed bodies found in the spring

concealed snow secrets

haiku 264: girls who like sheep too much

childhood story time
mary had a little lamb
(they exchanged v-cards)

haiku 263: vroom

fog lights at full strength
cut me off and then go slow
hit and run murder

haiku 262: slinky

boycott staircases
escalators for the win
endless slinky jump

haiku 261: epidemic

time is running out
hickory dickory dock
zombie mice out break

haiku 260: msg

chinese restaurant
famous house special stir fry
the finest dog meat

haiku 259: tomato

discipline, abuse
you say spork but i say foon
sides of the same coin

haiku 258: jersey brother survivor

reality shows
drama and gossip ensues
time to get real friends

haiku 257: black and red

licorice protest
segregation by palate
red army, black guard

haiku 256: drag sundays

gay bar group field trip
hetero permission slip
closet to dance floor

haiku 255: cumulonimbus

cloud watch confessions
"it's a pig? what do you think?"
"you're a pig", break up

haiku 254: rap battle

smoke crack and get wack
get hot bitches in the sack
street cred and big mac

haiku 253: housewife ho

"make me a sandwich"
"vacuum and clean up your shit"
domestic living

haiku 252: not pregnant

anticipation
awaiting spurting blood flow
peeing on a stick

haiku 251: dad's birthday

forgot your birthday
it wasn't on your facebook
how could i have known?

haiku 250: drink orders

tomato and spice
hot sauce and blended virgins
my bloody mary

haiku 249: whoremonger

it's a pirate phrase
"ho, and a bottle of rum"
it's a hustler phrase

haiku 248: a run in my tights

holes in pantyhose
parallels a woman's health
more holes, more herpes

haiku 247: men don't dance

learning how to dance
a-one, a-two, cha cha cha
my balls just fell off

haiku 246: what is he doing?

lace crotchless panties
arousing in most contexts
except on my son

haiku 245: jump rope

strawberry short cake
a lover between desserts
huckleberry pie

haiku 244: 0 missed calls

cell phone reception
violent diarrhea
why i did not call

haiku 243: pee pee wee wee

endearing nick names
"the little engine that could"
oops, i meant 'dick' names

haiku 242: widowed

romantic movies
no need for your 'subtle' hints
i rather break up

haiku 241: good home gone hoof

language barrier
"i'm so ducking mad at you"
t9 misspoken

haiku 240: something to drink

"four horsemen gangbang"
"singapore syphilis sling"
rejected cocktails

haiku 239: tv marathon

criss angel, mind freak
and little people, big world
modern day freak show

haiku 238: tropical delight

why we love mango:
tasty and slightly hairy
just like your girlfriend

haiku 237: no chance

early warning signs
ugly friends and no cell phone
i'm out of your league

haiku 236: 90% chance of bs

rain rain go away
jizz on someone else's day
end this wet foreplay

haiku 235: fibs

"turtlenecks are cool"
"it's okay to have small boobs"
liar on fire

haiku 234: malware

new website concept:
hot porn and online poker
get rich and get off

haiku 233: unlike

a clicking frenzy
flurries of "like"s on facebook
"hi" is outdated

haiku 232: four square

my first day of school
yummy snacks to trade for friends
brass knuckles for jerks

haiku 231: dark night

maybe i'm batman
maybe i'm screwing your wife
awesome regardless

haiku 230: graham crackers

marshmallow for brains
wife made out of chocolate
s'more children outcome

haiku 229: stfu minimum wage

unemployment checks
government issued money
aka free drugs

haiku 228: tiny tina

shouting at strip clubs
"i see london! i see france!"
tasered by bouncers

haiku 227: cleaning for mom

gave two weeks notice
"this job sucks and the pay blows"
who'll do the chores now?

haiku 226: ob-la-di ob-la-da

yellow submarine
strawberry fields and lucy
love is the walrus

haiku 225: dr. moreau

catching butterflies
dual wing amputation
stick bug induction

haiku 224: hotels up the ass

real monopoly
go to jail, luxury tax
boardwalk suicide

haiku 223: bad cook

chips in a blender
salt and vinegar smoothie
after school snack fail

haiku 222: desperate x 10

behold and be awed
the eight wonder of the world:
a guy who calls back

haiku 221: 9 to 5

drooling and sleeping
boring cubicle desk jobs
extended torture

haiku 220: jackfrost

married an ice queen
frostbites on my intimates
popsicle offspring

haiku 219: gooey puddles

apple cider rain
fruity night thundershowers
umbrellas stuck up

haiku 218: gay, fab and lethal

a right of passage
coming out of the closet
in ass kicking heels

haiku 217: mustard and plum

different kind of clue:
miss scarlet in the ballroom
naked and rope tied

haiku 216: sangoma

witch doctor patience
"a watched pot never boils"
heads take months to shrink

haiku 215: hophop

playboy and easter
everyone loves a bunny
sex and chocolates

haiku 214: :)

msn chatting
colon and parentheses
smiling through the screen

haiku 213: ying yang

interracial love
black on white and white on black
zebras and barcodes

haiku 212: 14 days

extra large coffee
amphetamines and red bull
no nightmares ever

haiku 211: flaming garbage

shopping cart races
panhandling exposition
homeless summer games

haiku 210: bottle depot

recycling bottles
reducing carbon footprints
nickles to buy meth

haiku 209: produce aisle

forbidden green love
zucchini and cucumber
vegetable drama

haiku 208: eh

maple syrup bra
canadian treat nipples
"check out my beaver"

haiku 207: i win

rock ! paper ! scissors !
"ha! paper beats rock, you lose!"
rock beats your face in

haiku 206: carnival love

cotton candy hair
my corn dog in her doughnut
sticky and messy

haiku 205: how to get laid

winking at cute boys
"is there something in your eye?"
that's when i drug them

haiku 204: RAID

dragonfly wedding
cake made out of mosquitoes
bug spray gate crasher

haiku 203: level up

mushrooms make you grow
thrice proven by mario,
alice and hippies

haiku 202: ends and means

deforestation
smog poison and lack of shade
surplus of toothpicks

haiku 201: lovecraft's love craft

loch ness monster lust
cthulhu tentacle love
ogopogo fire

haiku 200: easy payments

the magic bullet
bumpits and miracle blades
bankrupt by tv

haiku 199: bullets or AIDS

i'm a gambling man
russian roulette and hookers
bet my "cause of death"

haiku 198: keg stand

college party time
lots of sex and lots of beer
wobbly legs and dicks

haiku 197: sour smooches

kissing booth business
surplus of lemons on hand
pucker for profits

haiku 196: no chopsticks

"can you bring us forks?"
"can you speak american?"
culture ignorance

haiku 195: anorexia ftw

ice-cube-water-soup
exercise and celery
bony is beauty

haiku 194: my new kicks

shoes with sticky soles
spiderman-ning at the bars
parties on the roof

haiku 193: root canals

dental thought delight
slurpee flavors for toothpaste
brush with root beer float

haiku 192: steep

giant tea bag fun
earl gray ocean and chai sea
tea time is swim time

haiku 191: organic

eating dirt and seeds
drink water and puke up fruit
personal farmer

haiku 190: here's your key back

he taste like cheese whiz
he leaves corpses on the bed
reasons for break up

haiku 189: i need a new man

post break-up freedom
new car, new house and new boobs
"i'm my own woman"

haiku 188: apocalypse at a glance

orphans and warfare
cannibals and no fast food
the end of the world

haiku 187: disregard

panda fur towels
cups made out of ivory
lavish poacher life

haiku 186: camp tales

freshly dead bear meat
marshmallows and graham crackers
favorite camping treats

haiku 185: barry blotters

expelliarmus
and avada kedavra
spells my dick can do

haiku 184: it buuuurns

fresh squeezed orange juice
weapon of mass destruction
millions left blind

haiku 183: stop crashing @$#!%!!!

windows vs. mac
the sleek and user friendly
and the pile of shit

haiku 182: jolie

child adoption !
african baby import
multi-racial fad

haiku 181: sex time fairy tales

too slow and too fast
like the hare and the tortoise
and like you last night

haiku 180: smarties

a candy made world
chocolate pudding in the bank
thieves caught black handed

haiku 179: barren

lion verses cow
dad and menopausal mom
one sided battles

haiku 178: yarn barn

learning how to knit
working on a mile long scarf
how do you cast off?

haiku 177: no fish too

farm liberation
tofu cows making soy milk
a vegan future

haiku 176: naggers

"no the saying goes,
'pot calling the kettle black,'
there's no N-bomb there."

haiku 175: dodo bird

the darwin express
(endangered animal train)
first stop: extinction

haiku 174: clean your bathroom

water damaged books
dirty sinks and nail clippings
pet peeve yucky things

haiku 173: crusts on

same lunch every day
ham and mustard sandwiches
life without glamor

haiku 172: 5 counts of assault

smashed all my windows
set fire to my bedroom
pcp is weird

haiku 171: raves

crack open glowsticks
poor magic goo in our eyes
"i can see music"

haiku 170: yoho

captain jack sparrow
captain planet, captain crunch
ultimate show down

haiku 169: birthday

flour, sugar, bleach
made muffins for my party
passed out before ten

haiku 168: washer and dryer

sock eating machines
clothing cleaning alias
i'm on to you now

haiku 167: distopia

world wide concubine
with jane austen as satan
female oppression

haiku 166: mcbig

two for one coupons !
dollar menu value meals !
no wonder we're fat

haiku 165: microsoft works

sugar-free sweetner
everyday oxymoron
disease-free hookers

haiku 164: iLife

implant upon birth
music, internet, life-aps
an iPhone birth right

haiku 163: pull in case of

fire departments
hose soaking innuendos
"save pussies in trees"

haiku 162: bah

crazy craft farming
sheep made out of cotton balls
wolves with tummy fluff

haiku 161: grandma

knit one and pearl two
making sweaters out of cats
new use for dead pets

haiku 160: modern crap

paint splatters and blobs
decoupage done by infants
"priceless works of art"

haiku 159: elemental breakdown

carbon, hydrogen,
oxygen and THC
that's what we're made of

haiku 158: homophobees

being hetero
it's easier said than done
good-bye fabulous

haiku 157: jaws yaws

surprise shark attack
pointy teeth and one quick bite
meaty submarine

haiku 156: one bleach

ninjas tv shows
"it's anime, not cartoons"
"whatever loser"

haiku 155: 3.14

"it's circumference."
"did you say, 'sir, cum for once,' ?"
"yeah, something like that."

haiku 154: i eat what i screw

strawberry milkshakes
picnics, human sacrifice
my romantic date

haiku 153: beastiality

petting zoo visit
finding girls in new places
picking up hot "chicks"

haiku 152: shooting star

killed my exgirlfriend
blasted her ashes to space
"wish upon a star"

haiku 151: psychology

keep the oven on,
dirty hands, front door unlocked
anti OCD

haiku 150: messy messy

ebay shopping spree
free shipping and one day rush
it's retail facebook

haiku 149: they can vote?

female astronauts,
female doctors, leprechauns
fictional people

haiku 148: logic

diamonds are crystals
diamonds are a girl's best friend
methamphetamines

haiku 147: may contain traces

life is horrible
suicide by candy bars
allergy solace

haiku 146: dr. love

going to med school
finding a sugar daddy
gold digger dropout

haiku 145: silly willy

fifty sex partners
"quality not quantity,"
voice of a virgin

haiku 144: breathe

fatties at yoga
a pouffy bending gala
off balanced tree roll

haiku 143: feeling helpless

dirty socks in piles
smelly dishes in the sink
girlfriend's out of town

haiku 142: tide

5 cent laundromat
aka 5 cent pet wash
spring-time fresh puppy

haiku 141: EXP JAN 97

yogurt and blue cheese
mushrooms, fungi and zombies
we love the rotten

haiku 140: rent's due

landlady raging
"you owe me rent blah blah blah"
"your basement sucks, mom"

haiku 139: stayed up 'till 3

sleeps robs half your life
get blessed with insomnia
waste it on facebook

haiku 138: i'm mtv famous

"super sweet sixteen"
then i was on "jersey shore"
now i'm on "teen mom"

haiku 137: romantic comedies suck

filled oxygen tanks
meg ryan in "everest"
thin air love story

haiku 136: salem

olympic frenzy !
burning torches and cheering
witch burning frenzy !

haiku 135: playkid bunnies

child predator
it's half your age plus seven
hugh hefner exempt

haiku 134: know your source

i started to deal
home grown livers, heart and brain
limited supply

haiku 133: became a feminist

divorced, quit my job
castration campaign starts now
burned all of my bras

haiku 132: snuffy has the drips

it's seasame street !
semi-crazy trash can bum
cookie tweaking sketch

haiku 131: fuzzy and slimy

paint pictures with words:
"strawberry fields forever"
mashed frogs and parrots

haiku 130: toke

straight edge vs. not
"you don't need weed to be dope"
... but it sure does help

haiku 129: RIP multiple personalities

schizoid homicide
doppelganger tragedy
not used to quiet

haiku 128: get out of jail free

murder rampages
"it's god that made me do it"
plead insanity

haiku 127: snap back

boyfriends and girlfriends
a bi-curious yoyo
"walk the dog" two ways

haiku 126: i2k

y2k panic
electricity meltdown
there's no 'ap' for that

haiku 125: betty sue

reading post secret
ice cream, hot cousin incest
my guilty pleasures

haiku 124: i choose you

a pokemon coup
pikachu for president
pokeball freedom

haiku 123: fem-to-go

ovary based oil
fallopian tube fillet
females for feasting

haiku 122: egotism

head splitting migraines
inner cranial pressure
an ego growth spurt

haiku 121: role reversal

milk from kitty cats
hamburger meat from puppies
a pet cow named "veal"

haiku 120: micro and macro

bite size penises
vaginas the size of tire
private size nightmare

haiku 119: tippy

muffins and screwing
the corporate ladder too
we all love the top

haiku 118: hoe hoe

virtual farm games
joys of pixel harvesting
gigabyte prized pig

haiku 117: lip gloss candy coating

baked lips on a stick
unconventional smooches
make out with your food

haiku 116: the old man and the sea

whale and octopus
multi-leg deep sea romance
knotty naughty sex

haiku 115: gay love

fruits to set the mood
cherries, strawberries and queers
let's all get fruity

haiku 114: bearly loved

polar bear, black bear
fornication colour mix
out comes panda bears

haiku 113: love in braille

mass widespread blindness
cupid arrows in the eye
no love at first sight

haiku 112: trip north

sugar cube igloo
eskimos with cavities
sucrose inukshuks

haiku 111: going rogue

books about shopping
books about empowered girls
it's cliterature

haiku 110: leap of faith

sky diving mishap
"in a coma brb"
new facebook status

haiku 109: goodbye evidence

hot air balloon ride
uplifting helium bliss
dead babies aboard

haiku 108: is that mayo?

hungry prostitutes
blow jobs for burgers and fries
sauce comes with the deal

haiku 107: up up down down b a

video game freak
arthritis and myopic
no friends, just hit points

haiku 106: he-she

skinny boy, girl jeans
cross-dressing generation
unisex high heels

haiku 105: your stupid diet

whole wheat flax seed chips
i replaced them with cardboard
you didn't notice

haiku 104: pickme up

bars vs. chat rooms
"is god missing an angle?"
"age, sex, location?"

haiku 103: stepford

nuclear sponges
radiation homemaking
wives with 15 tits

haiku 102: 0.001%

the female condom:
the "but we were being safe !"
leaky sperm windsock

haiku 101: milk flood

animal crackers
noah's ark in my tummy
no ending rainbow

haiku 100: minerals

crushed bones mixed with milk
shredded cheese blended with teeth
calcium OD

haiku 99: apologies

cats in outer space!
using balloons and your pet
i'm very sorry

haiku 98: sex ed

it's planned parenthood !
condoms, the pill, nuvarings
coat hanger backup

haiku 97: irony ivory

what is irony?
blizzards from global warming,
bulimic fat girls

haiku 96: water and sky

slurpees, and candies
berries and new born babies
things i prefer blue

haiku 95: alakazam

"magic power sticks"
this describes not only wands
but vibrators too !

haiku 94: growing up

safety progression
"don't take candy from strangers"
"don't take crack from wacks"

haiku 93: sexual gratification

gained super powers
xray vision and time warps
no hot girl is safe

haiku 92: bye bye

"okay guys, let's bounce"
"hocus pocus it's bogus"
leaving catchphrases

haiku 91: tasty treats and metal nonsense

making a robot
programmed to love and make cakes
i call it "yum-bot"

haiku 90: holographic charizards

ran a kid over
he had it coming, i swear
pokemon card thief

haiku 89: happy new year

new resolutions
"drink less, swear less, murder less"
in for a rough year